Thirteen million three hundred and ninety-two thousand seconds I wait to see your face. I wait to spot your silhouette in the crowded hallway, to accidentally run into you in the busy street, to hear your voice among many other voices. I wait for your ocean eyes to look my way and for your lips to say their silent “hello”. I wait for the thunderstorm to tear me apart.
Thirteen million three hundred and eighty-one thousand seconds. And I’m stuck here, waiting. The ticking of the clock matches the beating of my longing heart. It’s the sound I’m holding onto. The one that rushes my thoughts back to you.
Thirteen million three hundred and sixty-seven thousand seconds. A lot can happen in that time. As I sit on my couch, carefully eyeing the dusty clock sitting in the corner, watching as the seconds slip away one by one, I wonder. What if the clock stops and imprisons me in this moment for good? And if I stop waiting, what happens? If I stop counting and live as if there’s no time? No more sunsets and no more sunrises, like there’s only now—where clocks don’t exist and hour hands never move.
What if now consumes the future? The one I planned for us. The one where you wave at me and I smile back.
What if now erases the past? The one where you first looked at me and we both knew.
If there’s no time, will anything last?
Thirteen million three hundred and forty-five thousand seconds passing me by. What if I get lost in the middle of my own pathetic little countdown? What if I’m bored and find myself a new exciting pastime? Fill the hours, minutes, seconds with something that’ll busy my mind enough to forget the ticking clock? Find new things to look forward to? What if every passing second drags me further away from you?
Thirteen million three hundred and thirty-three thousand seconds separating me from you. Are you counting too? Can I count on you? And when it’s done, when it all comes to an end, will we be different? Or will things just stay the same? What if nothing happens? What if it just goes to waste?
Thirteen million and some hundreds of seconds away. I’m paranoid. I don’t want to count. I don’t want to wait.
I’ll throw away the damn ticking clock. I’ll rip apart the calendar that laughs at me from the wall. I’ll spend my millions of seconds not knowing.
And the last one will be a surprise.
This is a little something I wrote for this week’s Inspiration Monday. I just felt the need to ask an awful lot of questions. Gee, the what ifs can really eat your brain.